Massachusetts Man Grows Record-Breaking Pumpkin

Editor's note: This article was written by a Townsquare Media Northern New England contributor and may contain the individual's views, opinions, or personal experiences.

The theme at this year’s Topsfield Fair seems to be go big or go home.

On the same weekend a Warren, Massachusetts, man devoured the estimated equivalent of 200 hot dogs in seven minutes (after which, I assume his theme became just needing to go), a Tyngsborough man provided some vindication to our friend Charlie Brown, according to MassLive.com. There for all to see sat the Topsfield Fair’s Great Pumpkin; the greatest of all time, as a matter of fact.

Tipping the scales at 2,480 pounds (without shoes), Jamie Graham set a Fair record, surpassing the previous record of 2,294.5 pounds set by Alex Noel of Connecticut (I’m referring to his pumpkin, not Alex himself.)

But, that does lead me to my next point, and perhaps TED Talk:

So you’ve grown a 2,000-pound pumpkin. Now what?

I suppose you could make pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin donuts. But…that just feels sad. I mean, you’re asking people to eat history. Yes, Queen Elizabeth toured the UK after her passing just as she toured Boston during her reign, but they didn’t invite Armie Hammer.

So, to Jamie (and perhaps Alex), here are a few things you can do with a 2,000-pound pumpkin:

• Strap it into your passenger seat and take the HOV lane.
• Give it to Shaq as a paperweight.
• Drive it to the latte guy at Starbucks and say, “Like what you see?”
• Grow 2,000 pounds of broccoli and see if they make Oompa Loompas.
• Put it in a baseball hat and have it pitch for the Red Sox.
• Carve it into a Jack Black-o-Lantern.
• Put it in a suit and red tie and see which of your NPR friends make the most obvious joke.
• Stand by and watch as it’s devoured, within minutes, by those darn, dirty squirrels!